Friday, 24 March 2017

10 Things You Should Know About After Giving Birth

I have decided to write all about the things that they don't tell you after you have given birth. Things that I really wish that I had been told about so I could have at least half prepared myself for the massacre that is pushing a baby out of somewhere that should be impossible & must defy some law of physics.

So let't kick things off with-

1. The Placenta- Just picture this, if you will- you have just given birth to a wrinkly potato, I mean a beautiful baby & the midwife then turns to you & asks if you opted for the injection or to go natural for when you need to give birth to the placenta, yeah you heard me once you've given everything you've got & then some you've got more work to do in that area.
If you opt for the injection then it literally will come out within about 5 minutes, naturally it can take up to about an hour or so...I'm sure you can guess what I went for!

Joking aside its not bad at all & you hardly feel a thing, probably because you're so fucking baggy down there now an elephant could wander out & you wouldn't even notice.

2. Bleeding- yep you might be thinking "well obviously you bleed, you had a baby" yeah, I'm talking up to 6 weeks of that shit. It can be light or it can be like a heavy period. It doesn't hurt but having a period for a week is annoying enough let alone 6!

3. Sanitry Pads- You're going to need to stock up on these bad boys. Now I'm not talking about the regular ones you get for your usual flow, oh god no, these are special, by special I mean they have their own place in the mother & baby section of the supermarket & they are HUGE, I don't know why they don't just make you wear a nappy because it sure feels like you are anyway. Plus this means if you're wearing a massive pad then you're going to need massive pants to hold these things in place. So glamorous- I for one never felt sexier in my life...

3. Piles- My god. The piles. I can't even tell you the state of my back area after I'd given birth it was like I'd lifted a thousand tonnes, sneezed & experienced a prolapse so bad that even the most qualified surgeon in the world wouldn't be able to fix it. I couldn't sit down for about 2 weeks without feeling sore & uncomfortable. (The physical scars have healed, the emotional scars? I'll let you know)

4. That First Poo- It's something that puts the absolute fear of god into any woman who has just given birth "how will I ever shit straight again" good news is that you will & the first poo after pushing baby out really isn't that bad at all, it's a little sore but nothing major! I had to go when I was still in the hospital because apparently my body just doesn't know when to give me a break. However
I'm quite pleased because the state I was in I'm surprised my arse didn't explode.

5. Birth Poo-  I figured as we were on this subject I would just mention about pooing whilst giving birth. This was the one thing that I was worried about more than anything else in the world, shitting yourself in front of a stranger? Your boyfriend/husband. I can say, hand on heart you won't even know its happened. Then when you do find out it did in fact happen you literally won't give a shit.

6. Walking- The first time you get up & walk anywhere after you've given birth it genuinely feels like the whole world is going to fall out of you. Luckily it doesn't no matter how convinced you are that it will. Although when you do finally decide to walk somewhere you will probably look like a cross between John Wayne & someone who has soiled themselves.

6. Boobs- Your milk doesn't "come in" straight away, it happens a few days after giving birth, "how do you know when it does" you ask? Well when your tits go rock hard & look like a porn stars that's usually when it's come in. It's not the most comfortable experience in the world but the relief when they feed is amazing.
(What I will say is try to feed evenly if you can- left, then next feed right etc. There is a condition called "Mastitis" which I had never ever heard of before but I got it in the very early days it's to do with blocked milk ducts & you can be really poorly with it. You can find out all about it HERE)
I will never forget what the midwife said to me when she saw my boob- "I can't believe you look so good for someone with something like this, where is your doctors surgery (as she picked up the phone) You need antibiotics in you NOW". Awesome. At least it took my mind of my arse for five minutes.

Oh Your boobs will also leak.... A LOT, plus they don't just drip they will spurt, especially if they're full, the amount of times I sprayed Seb & even Jay in the face!

7. Sweating- I don't think sweating is actually a strong enough word, I swear I was dangerously dehydrated through the early days. I got really bad sweats at night & would wake up drenched- I even had change my pj's a few times because it was that bad. But don't worry it's just hormones, it'll calm down...They never give you a rough time estimate, if I had a time then I'd know what I'm working towards, a goal to stop sweating, but no. You just got to suck it up...Not literally.

8. You Still Look Pregnant- And will continue to do so for a while after birth. It takes your uterus around 8 weeks to get back to it's pre-pregnancy size & breastfeeding does encourage it to contract back down faster. But until then you will be left with a deflated, misshapen, weird mass of extra skin. I just remember looking at my tummy after thinking- "it looks like an empty sack of potatoes".

9. You'll Be An Emotional Wreck- Oh yes those crazy hormones don't wave you good bye at the hospital door, hell no mama they're here to stay! You will cry all the time, no there isn't anything wrong with you, you just had a baby & your life will never be the same again, amazing as that is, it's also a lot to take in & shit scary! However it will get better & you won't always feel like a crazy woman who needs to reach for a cleaver every time your boyfriend breathes. Fucking Hormones.

10. You will be incontinent- Saved possibly the best until last, or the worst depending on your preference really. The thing that will make you feel really sexy is pissing yourself. So when I went for a wee & tried to stop it, it wouldn't stop. Not even a little bit. I was MORTIFIED. Again this is completely normal but I had no idea! I felt like I was going to go through life being incontinent needing a bloody catheter! However this really isn't the case. Do your pelvic floor exercises, they always bang on about it but seriously do it! It works!

So there you have it 10 things you may or may not have known but do now. Even if you did know I bet I painted a really pretty picture for you didn't I? You're welcome by the way. I will say even though all of the above sounds pretty rough, that gorgeous little baby that you get to love & look after makes it all OK. I would do it all again if it meant I'd get my beautiful boy. Plus if your partner is half decent they will high five you on the fact that you did a poo in the birthing pool. Just polite isn't it?

I apologise for the quality of the last picture but I wanted to include it as that right there is the thing that is worth every single pain, pile, gross thing that came out of my body. I can't even put into words how much I love him & how I still can't truly believe he's mine.

↠ Love Gem 



  1. Brilliantly written and that last photo is so precious!

  2. Thank you so much! That means the world ❤ xx

  3. You certainly have a way with words! Very well written DD. I'm impressed. And the photo's are beautiful.XXX
    Not just a biased dad, but an admirer of some great work XXX


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